Melancholy

Today, I have been listening to the final broadcast of a morning radio show that has been going for 21 years. I have been listening to it for all of that time and even though the music that they tend to play is kind of horrible (mostly commercial 90s electronic dance music), the hilarious dialogues more than make up for it.

In the late 90’s and early 00’s, I would listen to the show on the actual radio (which now seems like such a retro concept). Then later, when I moved abroad, I would listen to it over the internet on my phone. The amount of times that I have been on my way to work, walking on the street or travelling on public transport, with my earphones in during morning rush hour, being stared at for laughing like a mad person at the jokes of the host of the show and his side-kicks.

I know it’s silly, but as this show has been on the air for the majority of my life -I am now 41-, the idea of not being able to listen to it in the morning is very strange to me. Also, when I started listening, I was a young adult and now I am well on my way to mid-life.

Even though this radio-show obviously is insignificant, the realisation that some periods of my life will never come back, brings on a feeling of melancholy.

This feeling was enhanced by the out-poor of emotional comments on the news and on social media. The host of the show was hailed for his accomplishments by his previous guests, his friends, employers etc. The last broadcast was a 12 hour marathon episode during which everyone that knew the host, passed by to sing a song or share an anecdote.

This made me think of my own accomplishments. What would people say about me right now if they had to say something nice? I work hard and I am good at my job, but I just feel that I should be doing more to leave my mark. I don’t really know what, though.

Is it normal to be 41 years old and not really know what you want out of life? I have tried all sorts of different therapies. I have soul-searched and talked to my inner child and myself in past lives, in an attempt to find purpose and direction. I still haven’t found either.

At some point, I ended up doing something called an Occupational Interest Test with a female psychologist whose tests showed that I am quite intelligent but somewhat lazy and indifferent. She recommended I would go back to university at 26 and study Leisure Management at the School of Economics.

I trusted her and off to university I went. I actually managed to get really good grades, but dropped out in the fourth and final year, during the process of writing my final thesis. Quitting just before the finish line has been an ongoing theme in my life, but this particular time, it has led to a massive student debt which in hindsight, I should really hold her accountable for. Being an expert, she should have known better.
(note to self: consider seeking legal advice)

I have always wondered if everyone should have a purpose. Some people just seem to have such a clear sense of what they should be doing, which I find enviable. It makes me wonder if I really should know by now. Is purpose just for a lucky few and are others, like me, just meant to live a more random life?

I don’t really know where I am going with this – I suppose I am really just thinking out loud. I often wish someone that could give me all the answers would magically appear. Like a trouble-shooter for life.

For now, I suppose that all that I can do is just continue on my random path. It’s not all that bad, really. When I was a little boy, I remember that my mother would always tell me that I needed to learn to be happy with what I had. I can literally still hear her voice in my head.

Perhaps I am still learning that lesson.

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